A Depressive Blog

It's New Year's eve right now. Tuesday morning. Went to sleep peacefully last night, but woke up this morning going through another fucking existentialist crisis. I always fucking hated that. You have no idea the sheer psychological and emotional suffering I go through every time that happens. It's an awful feeling that I've ever had. The one where I ponder on my current life, existence and where my future is or what will become of it. I'm afraid of failure and rejection, the two things that has stuck unto me this whole year. I fucking hate it. 

I'm the 'live in the moment' type of person. I don't care about the past or the future, it's what's happening right now that matters to me. But this whole year, I've been terrified of the future and how it will turn out, especially my future. I've been rejected by a handful of colleges and universities earlier this year, the ones that I actually hoped to enroll in. Fucking bastards. And I'm also currently unemployed. Don't get me wrong, I want to get a job, even if I don't like it, but fucking employers are also a pain in to deal with. They always say, 'Oh I understand, we'll call you when there's an opening', but not a single one of them gave me a fucking call. Fucking bastards.

Feeling so sick of my existential crisis.

Being rejected and unwanted like that is kinda like being cut up, fucked up, and then no one gives a shit about you. It's awful. And the problem is that I don't know how to bounce back from this shit. I don't know what to do. There's nobody I can turn to for help, nobody even cares. I'm just afraid of how it will turn out for me. That's my main problem; I'm just so fucking afraid. Afraid of the future, afraid of how it will be, how my life will be. 

This whole year, in 2013, I have been unemployed. I need money. I want to get a job, even if I hate it. I just need money. So hopefully, in January I can get a job, whatever it may be. I just need cash, since my wallet is almost running dry. But I know it sure as hell won't be easy. I'd know, I've been through that before. I guess that's life. It can be cruel , and it can fuck you up badly. Reality or the real world are also the ones that can scar you, beat you up and sometimes destroy you. We just gotta find ways to get back up.

So fucking worried of my future and how it will turn out.

There's not much left for me to say. I just hope my 2014 will be just fine. I'm not hoping it will be great, because that's not how life works, but just fine, you know. That's all I want right now. But knowing life, it won't be that easy. I know there are worse and more fucked up situations that await me in 2014, I just know it. For the time being, I'll just try to enjoy my day here for a little while. After all, it's New Year's eve, can't be too negative on a good day like this, right? Nope, I guess not.

To every one that I've known in my life right now, happy New Year, and may your days in 2014 be filled with joy.

Enjoy 2014

     As I went for a stroll yesterday near the Waterfront in Kuching, I saw her again. The Malay lady who sells ‘kuih lapis’, or layer cake (a local favorite here in Sarawak). There were a lot of ladies selling layer cakes in that area, but she has always captivated me. That was the third time I saw her. The first and second time I saw her was back in March. She was definitely my type of woman; she was a bit plump, chubby, quite mature-looking and very beautiful. Her face was caked in makeup, her lips were red with the reddest lipstick, and she wore a nice bright-colored hijab. 

     Every time I pass there, we would always make eye contact. I would usually stop by for a while to see or sample some of her layer cakes. I don’t think she would recognize me, since I’ve only seen and visited her little stall three times, in only two months, separated by five months in between. I’ve always loved ‘kuih lapis’, they always taste so sweet and delectable, and for her ‘kuih lapis’, it was no exception. Sadly, I would never utter any word to her, while inspecting her cakes or even sampling them myself. I would only make noises with my mouth. You know, the noises people make when they eat something delicious. That ‘scrumptious’ sound. She would only look at me, smiling a bit, hoping I would purchase some, as she looks at me with those beautiful Asian eyes of hers. 

     After I have done sampling, I would smile a bit, and then leave. Maybe she does feel a bit disappointed that I did not purchase any of her cakes. What I really want is to just tell her, with pure honesty, of how I feel about her. How beautiful she looks, especially when she smiles. I just want to let her know that. I don’t even care if she is way beyond my own age. She is a complete stranger who makes me feel strangely happy, warm and fuzzy inside, whenever I see her. 

     But alas, I don’t know her. I don’t know if she already belongs to another, or if she is even married. Even if she is married, or belongs to another man, I would like to simply tell her how I feel about her, and I would like to be extremely and purely honest when I tell her that. I want to open my chest and simply show her how she makes me feel. I want to look into her eyes again, and let out all my feelings and emotions… I know she will probably never be in my arms, but at least I want to let her know of my feelings for her. And that is good enough for me… So, until I walk those old streets again, I would like to see her again, and simply tell her… ‘I think I love you’…

A Total Failure

Totally feel like shit right now...

     Right now, I feel like I'm at the bottom of the earth. I have never felt so low before in my entire life. I went to check my results to apply for a local college earlier, and I've just realized that 'it was not accepted'. I didn't only just apply for one, but two local universities, just in case the other one doesn't work out. And the results? Both of the universities replied 'it was not accepted', 'failed', and 'rejected'. No. Nada. Zip. Zero acceptance. I hit the ground hard. I was completely devastated. Months of waiting, and it has all come to this. 

     During the car ride home, I thought about a lot of things. I asked myself a lot of questions; Where am I gonna go now? Where the fuck is my life leading now? Are my hopes and dreams crushed now? Did I fail everyone around me? Did I fail the people who expected much of me? Well, it sure as hell seems like it. It's my fault, basically. I was supposed to do better back then, but I still managed to fuck things up. No one else to blame but myself. I feel nothing but anger and disappointment now. I'm angry at myself for making such a pivotal mistake, and I'm disappointed at myself for not doing better. 

Nothing but a total failure, I am...

     I have to admit, I was very lazy, ignorant and naive back then. I guess that's how most young people are. I just wish I could go back in time, and avoid those mistakes, but what can I do? I feel like everything I do, I'd mess it up. Whenever I try to make big, important decisions for myself, I'd just have to fuck it up. I don't know what to do now. I'm just so clueless and hurt right now. My will has broken down. I've lost all hope. I've lost faith in myself. I feel as though the life has been sucked dry right out of me. And yet, it is all my own fault. Now, my dreams of going to Scotland will never come true...

     Right now, I'm working on making a letter of appeal to the college administration, to appeal and ask if I could be given another chance. I'm trying, but it's hard to work on something 'hopeful' when you're all broken like this. Emotionally broken. Sometimes, I feel as though it's just pointless to keep going, but something deep inside of me is telling me to just keep going. I don't know why. Maybe there is still light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe there is still a tiny glimmer of hope there for me? Maybe there is still hope for me to go to Scotland? I don't know. But something tells me I should keep my head up high, and be positive. Sounds cheesy? Well, right now, that's the only thing I really feel like keeping me going. It may be hard at times, to stay positive under such mental pressure and emotional destruction, but I do believe there is still hope for me...

But keep your head up, as there is always a light at the end of the tunnel...

What The Future Holds

     Feeling a wee bit exhausted, after going around Kuching for the past two weeks, looking for employment as well as doing some sightseeing. The real issue now of course, is the fact that the STPM results will be out on Monday. Right now, I am 50% nervous as fuck, 20% confident about it, and 30%  nihilistic about it. Still, I'll just accept it like a man. I suppose the other real issue for me now is, what the fuck am I gonna do after receiving the results on Monday? I am currently unemployed, yet I think I can manage that. Either way, I'll probably end up in some college, or maybe I will end up looking for a shitty-ass day job that I could hate. However it turns out on Monday, I guess.

      What I truly want right now is something far beyond any materialistic thing I could have. It seems as though I have reached a point in my life where materialistic things and ownership of a certain object, means nothing to me anymore. Well, except for my record collection. But I truly feel as though I don't need anything else, other than to travel to Scotland. Not only travel there, but to spend the rest of my remaining fucking life there. I know, I have made my case about this 'Scotland' issue before, but come on, give a guy a break here; this is something that I truly want. As I have said before, moving/migrating (I even thought of immigrating) to Scotland is something that I really want to achieve on my own, for my own self. 

     Sure, many people around me, such as my parents, friends and family, might not understand this choice of mine, but putting them aside, I really do want this badly. The question is, "WHY?" Simply put; I just fell in love with that place. That's it. I just fell in love with Scotland. I've read about Scotland, it's history, it's culture, it's people and it's landscape, through books, documentaries and films. How the hell would I NOT fall in love with such a place like that? To other people, this little 'dream' of mine seems like pure fantasy. First of all, I really fucking hate to use the word 'dream' because it sounds too cheesy, and second of all, it is possible. I mean, come on, we are living in an age where computers and modern technology totally rule our lives here. Besides, I don't even find that ridiculous. After all, many other people have a certain place that they wanna go and live in (I totally mean real places, not places like Narnia or any of that fantasy bullshit).

   Yet, if you know me, or have met me, you'd be asking me the same question, "Why Scotland?". As I have said before, I am completely in love with that place. Have you ever seen a place so beautiful? So beautiful, that you want to leave everything behind and just go there? Probably live out your entire life there too? Well, that's definitely the case for me. If you just simply see a poster of Scotland, you'd probably understand what the big deal is. I'm in love with it. Hell, I'm crazy for it. I've gotten Celtic and Gaelic fever because of it! For me, I simply want to live my entire remaining life there, until I grow grey and old, and die there. Too romantic? Well, I did learn art in high school. Yes, that is truly what I want to do and achieve there. I may not be there as a young man, but as an old man, probably so. I want to live in Scotland, and start a new life there, to simply have a new beginning of my life there. I already have a life here in Sarawak, really, with all my friends and family all around me, I feel truly blessed here. Truly, I do. But I feel like I truly want to start a new life in Scotland. I wanna run around through the streets of Glasgow, Edinburgh, Aberdeen and Inverness, like a fucking maniac on speed. I wanna swim in the freezing cold lochs. I wanna ramble all around the Scottish highlands and get completely lost in the ancient forests of the highlands. I wanna drink the fresh, cold mountain water, from every single river and stream, flowing from the mountains. I wanna chew on grass with the highland cattle. I wanna spend an entire night in an abandoned old croft. I wanna play the Great Highland Bagpipe and tin whistle with the local highlanders. I wanna sail to the islands, to parts of the Inner Hebrides and the Outer Hebrides. I wanna venture and drink in every single pub in Scotland. I wanna . . . Well, you get what I mean. Fuck, I am just in love with that place.

     Where does that STPM result of mine may lead me? I have no idea. But, I do believe it may lead me somewhere. To quote the lovely Ellie Goulding, "Anything could happen". Yes, for my STPM results, be it good, bad or completely and utterly fucked up, I do believe it might help me get somewhere. Who knows, right? Anything can happen. Thus, my road and journey to Scotland may begin. I know, it may take me about ten, twenty, thirty or so years to really get there, but I am willing to wait, and I am willing to sacrifice all I can for it. To quote the wonderfully talented Marcus Mumford, "I will wait". Yes, I can wait, and I will wait for it. Where this road may lead me, I am willing to follow through. Unlike some of my peers, I am not as impatient as they may be. I am more patient now, in my late teen years. I have learned to wait and be full of patience, as well as accepting my failures, mostly from the folk music that I listened to nearly half of my life now, and in which I am still an avid listener of. Yeah, thank fuck for folk music, eh?

    From all the travels and ramblings that I've done for these past two weeks, I have learned more about being patient and accepting shit from people. I suppose, it's all a part of growing up. I'm still young, I still can learn many things, experience many things, and go to many places. Besides, my best years are just ahead of me. I'll never really know what's gonna happen next, unless I jump right into it. Take risks, and scream, 'FUCK YOU' right in front of the haters and naysayers alike. It's not impossible, it is possible for me to go to Scotland, even though time may be another huge obstacle in the way. Nothing is impossible in this day and age. It is possible for me. All I gotta do is just wait, be patient, do what I gotta do to get there. And who knows? Maybe, one day, I'll be sitting on a hill in the Scottish highlands, as a grey and decrepit old man, with a tear in his eyes, saying, 'I fucking did it, bitches'. We'll never really know what awaits us in our own future, but all I know is that we need patience. That's all we need. And then, finally, we will achieve that little crazy goal of ours. For now, Scotland's gonna have to wait for me, for I have a lot of hell to get through to her. And I know, someday, I will be there. In Scotland.

Wait for me, Alba...

Words of a Young Rambler

     I want out. I want to leave. I wanna migrate. This is normal for a young person to feel, especially with terrible living conditions in a certain place or area. I have this eager urge to leave my home here in Sarawak, and search for a place where I can feel at peace, and start a new life. I do know of a place like that. A place where I have been wanting so bad to go to. But the problem is that it's so far away. According to Google Maps, the distance from Malaysia to that destination of mine is about 14,686.1 km, and it takes about 7 days and 23 hours to get there via flight. It's so far away, I know. And people have also said to me that I can never reach it, due to my middle-working class background. They've also said that I live in a dream-like state, a fantasy world, dreaming of living in a place like that. Even my own mother has said the same thing to me when I told her about migrating. But, you know what? I don't fucking care. They say what they want, but this is something that I truly want. 

     Sure, my social background might be an obstacle, but I am damn proud of it, too. Yes, I am damn proud to be a working-class asshole. But I also believe that background of mine shall not be a problem to achieve that one goal of mine. This is my only dream and goal. When I was a little kid, I never really had a dream. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grow up. I never had an ambition. Sure, there were a few simple suggestions that I had, but I've always felt like they were never for me. This lasted well through my late teen years. Then, came last year; 2012. I saw this one place that I knew before, but never bothered too much about it. Now, I see it's true beauty, it's majesty. I felt like I was in love for the first time. I fell in love with that place. Every single part of it. From it's beautiful untouched nature, it's colourful culture, it's powerful history, it's wonderful people, to it's undeniable hospitality. I felt like I can start a new life there. Start anew.

     This was my goal and ambition;  to go to that place. I've dreamed about it and all it's majesty. I don't care about what other people think of it, it's my choice and my dream. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. I am willing to leave everything behind to simply go there and live a new life. What I simply have to deal with are people who are against it, the naysayers. I don't mind and I certainly don't give a rat's ass about them. They are just an obstacle that I gotta overcome to reach that goal of mine. After all, if there's a will, there's a way. And I've certainly held on to that saying tightly. What I am doing now, is simply trying to find a way to get there. I am willing to work any odd jobs available. I am trying to work here. Trying to work my fat ass off for money, so I can go to that place. It may take me years before I can get there but I can wait. I am willing to wait and I am willing to sacrifice anything to simply reach out to that place. I am trying all my best here to get there. All my blood, sweat and tears, and all the shit I gotta wade through.

     Why do I want to leave my home here in Sarawak to get there? What am I hoping for at that place? Simple. I am hoping to start a new life there. That's just it. My home here in Sarawak here is just another 'bitch' to West Malaysia. I find no peace or solace being here anymore. Although I really love this place very much, because it is my homeland, I am willing to leave it behind, to start something new for my life. I know it might not be any different there at my destination, but I don't care. I can live through it. I just want to go and experience different things there. It is natural for a young man to leave his home, his family and friends, to go to a new place for a new beginning. I truly believe in that. And that is why I want to do so, too. I am not asking for a miracle to happen. I am not praying for an opportunity. I am just trying all I can, with all my heart to to go there. To find a way to get there. That's all. If an opportunity comes my way, of course I'll take it. But opportunities rarely comes, so I must be clearheaded and steadfast in making my decisions.

     Even if I do get there, I will not regret my choice and my actions. No, I will never regret any of it. This is my life, my chance. Life is short. You only live once. You gotta take the opportunities that come your way. I may not be a good optimist, but I am an optimist. I do believe things can get better at the end of the day, eventhough you've been through shit. But it always gets better in the end. I've had my fair share of shit in life. But, what can you do? It is after all, called 'life'. We just gotta suck it up and move on. This is my goal. That place is my oxygen tank in this deep cold ocean depths that we call 'life', and it is the only thing that motivates me and keeps me alive. For once in my miserable little life, I have a dream. A goal. An ambition. And it's to simply go to that place. Haters, family, friends and naysayers may try to keep me down and grounded, but I can always break away from it. They may criticise my choice but I don't care. This is my ticket to happiness. I want this. I truly do. They may not understand it, but that's they're problem, because I fully understand my own choices. Call me naive, call me ignorant or whatever. They're just words.  This is what I want. This is something I want to achieve. I never had a burning passion for something like this before. I never had a deep ambition like this before. But hey, here it is. This is for me, and I will take it. I will get there one day. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be the day after. But I will get there, one day. It may take me 10, 20 or 30 years or so before I can get there, but like I said, I can wait. And I will wait if it takes me that long to get there. As long as I am still breathing, as long as I am willing, and as long as I am still dreaming, believe me, my friend, I will get there. I will step foot on Scottish soil and I will ramble the mountains of the Scottish Highlands. I will, one day, go to Scotland.

Wait for me, Alba...