It's New Year's eve right now. Tuesday morning. Went to sleep peacefully last night, but woke up this morning going through another fucking existentialist crisis. I always fucking hated that. You have no idea the sheer psychological and emotional suffering I go through every time that happens. It's an awful feeling that I've ever had. The one where I ponder on my current life, existence and where my future is or what will become of it. I'm afraid of failure and rejection, the two things that has stuck unto me this whole year. I fucking hate it.
I'm the 'live in the moment' type of person. I don't care about the past or the future, it's what's happening right now that matters to me. But this whole year, I've been terrified of the future and how it will turn out, especially my future. I've been rejected by a handful of colleges and universities earlier this year, the ones that I actually hoped to enroll in. Fucking bastards. And I'm also currently unemployed. Don't get me wrong, I want to get a job, even if I don't like it, but fucking employers are also a pain in to deal with. They always say, 'Oh I understand, we'll call you when there's an opening', but not a single one of them gave me a fucking call. Fucking bastards.
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| Feeling so sick of my existential crisis. |
Being rejected and unwanted like that is kinda like being cut up, fucked up, and then no one gives a shit about you. It's awful. And the problem is that I don't know how to bounce back from this shit. I don't know what to do. There's nobody I can turn to for help, nobody even cares. I'm just afraid of how it will turn out for me. That's my main problem; I'm just so fucking afraid. Afraid of the future, afraid of how it will be, how my life will be.
This whole year, in 2013, I have been unemployed. I need money. I want to get a job, even if I hate it. I just need money. So hopefully, in January I can get a job, whatever it may be. I just need cash, since my wallet is almost running dry. But I know it sure as hell won't be easy. I'd know, I've been through that before. I guess that's life. It can be cruel , and it can fuck you up badly. Reality or the real world are also the ones that can scar you, beat you up and sometimes destroy you. We just gotta find ways to get back up.
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| So fucking worried of my future and how it will turn out. |
There's not much left for me to say. I just hope my 2014 will be just fine. I'm not hoping it will be great, because that's not how life works, but just fine, you know. That's all I want right now. But knowing life, it won't be that easy. I know there are worse and more fucked up situations that await me in 2014, I just know it. For the time being, I'll just try to enjoy my day here for a little while. After all, it's New Year's eve, can't be too negative on a good day like this, right? Nope, I guess not.
To every one that I've known in my life right now, happy New Year, and may your days in 2014 be filled with joy.
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| Enjoy 2014 |
