A Total Failure

Totally feel like shit right now...

     Right now, I feel like I'm at the bottom of the earth. I have never felt so low before in my entire life. I went to check my results to apply for a local college earlier, and I've just realized that 'it was not accepted'. I didn't only just apply for one, but two local universities, just in case the other one doesn't work out. And the results? Both of the universities replied 'it was not accepted', 'failed', and 'rejected'. No. Nada. Zip. Zero acceptance. I hit the ground hard. I was completely devastated. Months of waiting, and it has all come to this. 

     During the car ride home, I thought about a lot of things. I asked myself a lot of questions; Where am I gonna go now? Where the fuck is my life leading now? Are my hopes and dreams crushed now? Did I fail everyone around me? Did I fail the people who expected much of me? Well, it sure as hell seems like it. It's my fault, basically. I was supposed to do better back then, but I still managed to fuck things up. No one else to blame but myself. I feel nothing but anger and disappointment now. I'm angry at myself for making such a pivotal mistake, and I'm disappointed at myself for not doing better. 

Nothing but a total failure, I am...

     I have to admit, I was very lazy, ignorant and naive back then. I guess that's how most young people are. I just wish I could go back in time, and avoid those mistakes, but what can I do? I feel like everything I do, I'd mess it up. Whenever I try to make big, important decisions for myself, I'd just have to fuck it up. I don't know what to do now. I'm just so clueless and hurt right now. My will has broken down. I've lost all hope. I've lost faith in myself. I feel as though the life has been sucked dry right out of me. And yet, it is all my own fault. Now, my dreams of going to Scotland will never come true...

     Right now, I'm working on making a letter of appeal to the college administration, to appeal and ask if I could be given another chance. I'm trying, but it's hard to work on something 'hopeful' when you're all broken like this. Emotionally broken. Sometimes, I feel as though it's just pointless to keep going, but something deep inside of me is telling me to just keep going. I don't know why. Maybe there is still light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe there is still a tiny glimmer of hope there for me? Maybe there is still hope for me to go to Scotland? I don't know. But something tells me I should keep my head up high, and be positive. Sounds cheesy? Well, right now, that's the only thing I really feel like keeping me going. It may be hard at times, to stay positive under such mental pressure and emotional destruction, but I do believe there is still hope for me...

But keep your head up, as there is always a light at the end of the tunnel...