Thanks, Friend

     How do I truly feel about you? Well, it's really not that easy for me to literally put everything from my heart and my head on the table and show them to you. You're kind of complicated. Seriously complicated. Yet, at the same time, you're pretty easy to figure out. I know exactly the type of person you are, but you're slowly changing, almost all the time. I guess that's pretty normal for a lot of people. But back to the question; how do I TRULY feel about you? Well, my answer is that you're just different. You're different from all the people I've known, especially the ones who slowly comes into my life, and then slowly leaves. And I really like that. I really like the fact that you're different. I like you, and that's all you need to know. 

     You make me feel a lot of things. You make me feel happy, you make me feel sad, you make me feel sick, you make me feel warm, you make me feel alone, you make me feel crazy, you make me feel suicidal, you make me feel disoriented, you make me feel dizzy, you make me feel fearless, you make me feel fearful, you make me feel insecure, you make me feel blissful, you make me feel a lot of things. But, most importantly, you make me feel grateful to be alive, for a little while. I'm not trying to scare you or worry you, I just wanna let you know about the things you make me feel. 

     You also constantly inspire me to do things I normally wouldn't do. You make me wanna write you a poem, but I hate poems. You make me wanna write a song about you, but I suck at writing songs. You make me wanna draw a portrait of you, but I don't even have a picture of you. I also know that the distance between us is truly great, but I don't mind, because I know you're still here on this planet, just like me. I always ask myself, 'why does she keeps on doing this to me'? 'Why does she keeps on popping up in my head'? Why? WHY? Why am I so crazy for you? Why can't I get over you? When will this end? How will this end? I don't even know how to answer those questions.

     But when I see you're online on Facebook, I smile to myself, knowing that you're there. I don't want to talk to you because I don't know what to talk about. I really am awful at small talk. But I'm really good at being honest. Last month, if you recall, I opened up to you, knowing that I've been holding this 'crush' of mine for almost four years. I just had to let it all out. Oh, did I mention that you were the first ever girl I've confessed to? I still remember your reaction. You were shocked but at the same time you were happy about it, and thanked me for it. I'm not sure if you were honest or you just felt sorry for a pathetic person like me. But that confession wasn't a ray of sunshine for me. It was just a huge cloud hanging over me. The next ten days made me suffer. But I survived.

     I'm a person full of weakness, I know. I'm insecure, I'm socially awkward, I'm constantly fearful and I'm pathetic. But when you pop up in my head, I feel as though I want to change all that. I want to change all of my flaws and eat all my regrets. You're not that change in my personal life, but you are an inspiration and a muse to me, something that keeps me going to change myself for the better. I'm still trying, and it's gonna take a lot of time, but as long as you're still around, I'll keep going.

     I know you will never have the same feelings for me, and you probably don't care that much for me, I know I will never be your 'knight in shining armor', I know I will never be your 'one and only', I understand. But I just want you to know that I'll still be there for you, as a friend. It sounds pretty cheesy, but I'm serious about it. I'll try to make you laugh, or at least smile, when you're feeling down. I won't be able to see that smile, but I know it's there on your face, as I try to make your day good again. People may call this whatever they want, 'friendzone', 'the point of no return', 'the Bermuda Triangle', doesn't matter to me. I know you're a really good friend, and we may probably never be together, but being friends with you will still, and always make me smile. You've thanked me before for liking you and being honest about it. Now, I'm thanking you for being such a good friend to me. So, thanks.

A Depressive Blog

It's New Year's eve right now. Tuesday morning. Went to sleep peacefully last night, but woke up this morning going through another fucking existentialist crisis. I always fucking hated that. You have no idea the sheer psychological and emotional suffering I go through every time that happens. It's an awful feeling that I've ever had. The one where I ponder on my current life, existence and where my future is or what will become of it. I'm afraid of failure and rejection, the two things that has stuck unto me this whole year. I fucking hate it. 

I'm the 'live in the moment' type of person. I don't care about the past or the future, it's what's happening right now that matters to me. But this whole year, I've been terrified of the future and how it will turn out, especially my future. I've been rejected by a handful of colleges and universities earlier this year, the ones that I actually hoped to enroll in. Fucking bastards. And I'm also currently unemployed. Don't get me wrong, I want to get a job, even if I don't like it, but fucking employers are also a pain in to deal with. They always say, 'Oh I understand, we'll call you when there's an opening', but not a single one of them gave me a fucking call. Fucking bastards.

Feeling so sick of my existential crisis.

Being rejected and unwanted like that is kinda like being cut up, fucked up, and then no one gives a shit about you. It's awful. And the problem is that I don't know how to bounce back from this shit. I don't know what to do. There's nobody I can turn to for help, nobody even cares. I'm just afraid of how it will turn out for me. That's my main problem; I'm just so fucking afraid. Afraid of the future, afraid of how it will be, how my life will be. 

This whole year, in 2013, I have been unemployed. I need money. I want to get a job, even if I hate it. I just need money. So hopefully, in January I can get a job, whatever it may be. I just need cash, since my wallet is almost running dry. But I know it sure as hell won't be easy. I'd know, I've been through that before. I guess that's life. It can be cruel , and it can fuck you up badly. Reality or the real world are also the ones that can scar you, beat you up and sometimes destroy you. We just gotta find ways to get back up.

So fucking worried of my future and how it will turn out.

There's not much left for me to say. I just hope my 2014 will be just fine. I'm not hoping it will be great, because that's not how life works, but just fine, you know. That's all I want right now. But knowing life, it won't be that easy. I know there are worse and more fucked up situations that await me in 2014, I just know it. For the time being, I'll just try to enjoy my day here for a little while. After all, it's New Year's eve, can't be too negative on a good day like this, right? Nope, I guess not.

To every one that I've known in my life right now, happy New Year, and may your days in 2014 be filled with joy.

Enjoy 2014

     As I went for a stroll yesterday near the Waterfront in Kuching, I saw her again. The Malay lady who sells ‘kuih lapis’, or layer cake (a local favorite here in Sarawak). There were a lot of ladies selling layer cakes in that area, but she has always captivated me. That was the third time I saw her. The first and second time I saw her was back in March. She was definitely my type of woman; she was a bit plump, chubby, quite mature-looking and very beautiful. Her face was caked in makeup, her lips were red with the reddest lipstick, and she wore a nice bright-colored hijab. 

     Every time I pass there, we would always make eye contact. I would usually stop by for a while to see or sample some of her layer cakes. I don’t think she would recognize me, since I’ve only seen and visited her little stall three times, in only two months, separated by five months in between. I’ve always loved ‘kuih lapis’, they always taste so sweet and delectable, and for her ‘kuih lapis’, it was no exception. Sadly, I would never utter any word to her, while inspecting her cakes or even sampling them myself. I would only make noises with my mouth. You know, the noises people make when they eat something delicious. That ‘scrumptious’ sound. She would only look at me, smiling a bit, hoping I would purchase some, as she looks at me with those beautiful Asian eyes of hers. 

     After I have done sampling, I would smile a bit, and then leave. Maybe she does feel a bit disappointed that I did not purchase any of her cakes. What I really want is to just tell her, with pure honesty, of how I feel about her. How beautiful she looks, especially when she smiles. I just want to let her know that. I don’t even care if she is way beyond my own age. She is a complete stranger who makes me feel strangely happy, warm and fuzzy inside, whenever I see her. 

     But alas, I don’t know her. I don’t know if she already belongs to another, or if she is even married. Even if she is married, or belongs to another man, I would like to simply tell her how I feel about her, and I would like to be extremely and purely honest when I tell her that. I want to open my chest and simply show her how she makes me feel. I want to look into her eyes again, and let out all my feelings and emotions… I know she will probably never be in my arms, but at least I want to let her know of my feelings for her. And that is good enough for me… So, until I walk those old streets again, I would like to see her again, and simply tell her… ‘I think I love you’…

A Total Failure

Totally feel like shit right now...

     Right now, I feel like I'm at the bottom of the earth. I have never felt so low before in my entire life. I went to check my results to apply for a local college earlier, and I've just realized that 'it was not accepted'. I didn't only just apply for one, but two local universities, just in case the other one doesn't work out. And the results? Both of the universities replied 'it was not accepted', 'failed', and 'rejected'. No. Nada. Zip. Zero acceptance. I hit the ground hard. I was completely devastated. Months of waiting, and it has all come to this. 

     During the car ride home, I thought about a lot of things. I asked myself a lot of questions; Where am I gonna go now? Where the fuck is my life leading now? Are my hopes and dreams crushed now? Did I fail everyone around me? Did I fail the people who expected much of me? Well, it sure as hell seems like it. It's my fault, basically. I was supposed to do better back then, but I still managed to fuck things up. No one else to blame but myself. I feel nothing but anger and disappointment now. I'm angry at myself for making such a pivotal mistake, and I'm disappointed at myself for not doing better. 

Nothing but a total failure, I am...

     I have to admit, I was very lazy, ignorant and naive back then. I guess that's how most young people are. I just wish I could go back in time, and avoid those mistakes, but what can I do? I feel like everything I do, I'd mess it up. Whenever I try to make big, important decisions for myself, I'd just have to fuck it up. I don't know what to do now. I'm just so clueless and hurt right now. My will has broken down. I've lost all hope. I've lost faith in myself. I feel as though the life has been sucked dry right out of me. And yet, it is all my own fault. Now, my dreams of going to Scotland will never come true...

     Right now, I'm working on making a letter of appeal to the college administration, to appeal and ask if I could be given another chance. I'm trying, but it's hard to work on something 'hopeful' when you're all broken like this. Emotionally broken. Sometimes, I feel as though it's just pointless to keep going, but something deep inside of me is telling me to just keep going. I don't know why. Maybe there is still light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe there is still a tiny glimmer of hope there for me? Maybe there is still hope for me to go to Scotland? I don't know. But something tells me I should keep my head up high, and be positive. Sounds cheesy? Well, right now, that's the only thing I really feel like keeping me going. It may be hard at times, to stay positive under such mental pressure and emotional destruction, but I do believe there is still hope for me...

But keep your head up, as there is always a light at the end of the tunnel...

What The Future Holds

     Feeling a wee bit exhausted, after going around Kuching for the past two weeks, looking for employment as well as doing some sightseeing. The real issue now of course, is the fact that the STPM results will be out on Monday. Right now, I am 50% nervous as fuck, 20% confident about it, and 30%  nihilistic about it. Still, I'll just accept it like a man. I suppose the other real issue for me now is, what the fuck am I gonna do after receiving the results on Monday? I am currently unemployed, yet I think I can manage that. Either way, I'll probably end up in some college, or maybe I will end up looking for a shitty-ass day job that I could hate. However it turns out on Monday, I guess.

      What I truly want right now is something far beyond any materialistic thing I could have. It seems as though I have reached a point in my life where materialistic things and ownership of a certain object, means nothing to me anymore. Well, except for my record collection. But I truly feel as though I don't need anything else, other than to travel to Scotland. Not only travel there, but to spend the rest of my remaining fucking life there. I know, I have made my case about this 'Scotland' issue before, but come on, give a guy a break here; this is something that I truly want. As I have said before, moving/migrating (I even thought of immigrating) to Scotland is something that I really want to achieve on my own, for my own self. 

     Sure, many people around me, such as my parents, friends and family, might not understand this choice of mine, but putting them aside, I really do want this badly. The question is, "WHY?" Simply put; I just fell in love with that place. That's it. I just fell in love with Scotland. I've read about Scotland, it's history, it's culture, it's people and it's landscape, through books, documentaries and films. How the hell would I NOT fall in love with such a place like that? To other people, this little 'dream' of mine seems like pure fantasy. First of all, I really fucking hate to use the word 'dream' because it sounds too cheesy, and second of all, it is possible. I mean, come on, we are living in an age where computers and modern technology totally rule our lives here. Besides, I don't even find that ridiculous. After all, many other people have a certain place that they wanna go and live in (I totally mean real places, not places like Narnia or any of that fantasy bullshit).

   Yet, if you know me, or have met me, you'd be asking me the same question, "Why Scotland?". As I have said before, I am completely in love with that place. Have you ever seen a place so beautiful? So beautiful, that you want to leave everything behind and just go there? Probably live out your entire life there too? Well, that's definitely the case for me. If you just simply see a poster of Scotland, you'd probably understand what the big deal is. I'm in love with it. Hell, I'm crazy for it. I've gotten Celtic and Gaelic fever because of it! For me, I simply want to live my entire remaining life there, until I grow grey and old, and die there. Too romantic? Well, I did learn art in high school. Yes, that is truly what I want to do and achieve there. I may not be there as a young man, but as an old man, probably so. I want to live in Scotland, and start a new life there, to simply have a new beginning of my life there. I already have a life here in Sarawak, really, with all my friends and family all around me, I feel truly blessed here. Truly, I do. But I feel like I truly want to start a new life in Scotland. I wanna run around through the streets of Glasgow, Edinburgh, Aberdeen and Inverness, like a fucking maniac on speed. I wanna swim in the freezing cold lochs. I wanna ramble all around the Scottish highlands and get completely lost in the ancient forests of the highlands. I wanna drink the fresh, cold mountain water, from every single river and stream, flowing from the mountains. I wanna chew on grass with the highland cattle. I wanna spend an entire night in an abandoned old croft. I wanna play the Great Highland Bagpipe and tin whistle with the local highlanders. I wanna sail to the islands, to parts of the Inner Hebrides and the Outer Hebrides. I wanna venture and drink in every single pub in Scotland. I wanna . . . Well, you get what I mean. Fuck, I am just in love with that place.

     Where does that STPM result of mine may lead me? I have no idea. But, I do believe it may lead me somewhere. To quote the lovely Ellie Goulding, "Anything could happen". Yes, for my STPM results, be it good, bad or completely and utterly fucked up, I do believe it might help me get somewhere. Who knows, right? Anything can happen. Thus, my road and journey to Scotland may begin. I know, it may take me about ten, twenty, thirty or so years to really get there, but I am willing to wait, and I am willing to sacrifice all I can for it. To quote the wonderfully talented Marcus Mumford, "I will wait". Yes, I can wait, and I will wait for it. Where this road may lead me, I am willing to follow through. Unlike some of my peers, I am not as impatient as they may be. I am more patient now, in my late teen years. I have learned to wait and be full of patience, as well as accepting my failures, mostly from the folk music that I listened to nearly half of my life now, and in which I am still an avid listener of. Yeah, thank fuck for folk music, eh?

    From all the travels and ramblings that I've done for these past two weeks, I have learned more about being patient and accepting shit from people. I suppose, it's all a part of growing up. I'm still young, I still can learn many things, experience many things, and go to many places. Besides, my best years are just ahead of me. I'll never really know what's gonna happen next, unless I jump right into it. Take risks, and scream, 'FUCK YOU' right in front of the haters and naysayers alike. It's not impossible, it is possible for me to go to Scotland, even though time may be another huge obstacle in the way. Nothing is impossible in this day and age. It is possible for me. All I gotta do is just wait, be patient, do what I gotta do to get there. And who knows? Maybe, one day, I'll be sitting on a hill in the Scottish highlands, as a grey and decrepit old man, with a tear in his eyes, saying, 'I fucking did it, bitches'. We'll never really know what awaits us in our own future, but all I know is that we need patience. That's all we need. And then, finally, we will achieve that little crazy goal of ours. For now, Scotland's gonna have to wait for me, for I have a lot of hell to get through to her. And I know, someday, I will be there. In Scotland.

Wait for me, Alba...

Words of a Young Rambler

     I want out. I want to leave. I wanna migrate. This is normal for a young person to feel, especially with terrible living conditions in a certain place or area. I have this eager urge to leave my home here in Sarawak, and search for a place where I can feel at peace, and start a new life. I do know of a place like that. A place where I have been wanting so bad to go to. But the problem is that it's so far away. According to Google Maps, the distance from Malaysia to that destination of mine is about 14,686.1 km, and it takes about 7 days and 23 hours to get there via flight. It's so far away, I know. And people have also said to me that I can never reach it, due to my middle-working class background. They've also said that I live in a dream-like state, a fantasy world, dreaming of living in a place like that. Even my own mother has said the same thing to me when I told her about migrating. But, you know what? I don't fucking care. They say what they want, but this is something that I truly want. 

     Sure, my social background might be an obstacle, but I am damn proud of it, too. Yes, I am damn proud to be a working-class asshole. But I also believe that background of mine shall not be a problem to achieve that one goal of mine. This is my only dream and goal. When I was a little kid, I never really had a dream. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grow up. I never had an ambition. Sure, there were a few simple suggestions that I had, but I've always felt like they were never for me. This lasted well through my late teen years. Then, came last year; 2012. I saw this one place that I knew before, but never bothered too much about it. Now, I see it's true beauty, it's majesty. I felt like I was in love for the first time. I fell in love with that place. Every single part of it. From it's beautiful untouched nature, it's colourful culture, it's powerful history, it's wonderful people, to it's undeniable hospitality. I felt like I can start a new life there. Start anew.

     This was my goal and ambition;  to go to that place. I've dreamed about it and all it's majesty. I don't care about what other people think of it, it's my choice and my dream. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. I am willing to leave everything behind to simply go there and live a new life. What I simply have to deal with are people who are against it, the naysayers. I don't mind and I certainly don't give a rat's ass about them. They are just an obstacle that I gotta overcome to reach that goal of mine. After all, if there's a will, there's a way. And I've certainly held on to that saying tightly. What I am doing now, is simply trying to find a way to get there. I am willing to work any odd jobs available. I am trying to work here. Trying to work my fat ass off for money, so I can go to that place. It may take me years before I can get there but I can wait. I am willing to wait and I am willing to sacrifice anything to simply reach out to that place. I am trying all my best here to get there. All my blood, sweat and tears, and all the shit I gotta wade through.

     Why do I want to leave my home here in Sarawak to get there? What am I hoping for at that place? Simple. I am hoping to start a new life there. That's just it. My home here in Sarawak here is just another 'bitch' to West Malaysia. I find no peace or solace being here anymore. Although I really love this place very much, because it is my homeland, I am willing to leave it behind, to start something new for my life. I know it might not be any different there at my destination, but I don't care. I can live through it. I just want to go and experience different things there. It is natural for a young man to leave his home, his family and friends, to go to a new place for a new beginning. I truly believe in that. And that is why I want to do so, too. I am not asking for a miracle to happen. I am not praying for an opportunity. I am just trying all I can, with all my heart to to go there. To find a way to get there. That's all. If an opportunity comes my way, of course I'll take it. But opportunities rarely comes, so I must be clearheaded and steadfast in making my decisions.

     Even if I do get there, I will not regret my choice and my actions. No, I will never regret any of it. This is my life, my chance. Life is short. You only live once. You gotta take the opportunities that come your way. I may not be a good optimist, but I am an optimist. I do believe things can get better at the end of the day, eventhough you've been through shit. But it always gets better in the end. I've had my fair share of shit in life. But, what can you do? It is after all, called 'life'. We just gotta suck it up and move on. This is my goal. That place is my oxygen tank in this deep cold ocean depths that we call 'life', and it is the only thing that motivates me and keeps me alive. For once in my miserable little life, I have a dream. A goal. An ambition. And it's to simply go to that place. Haters, family, friends and naysayers may try to keep me down and grounded, but I can always break away from it. They may criticise my choice but I don't care. This is my ticket to happiness. I want this. I truly do. They may not understand it, but that's they're problem, because I fully understand my own choices. Call me naive, call me ignorant or whatever. They're just words.  This is what I want. This is something I want to achieve. I never had a burning passion for something like this before. I never had a deep ambition like this before. But hey, here it is. This is for me, and I will take it. I will get there one day. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be the day after. But I will get there, one day. It may take me 10, 20 or 30 years or so before I can get there, but like I said, I can wait. And I will wait if it takes me that long to get there. As long as I am still breathing, as long as I am willing, and as long as I am still dreaming, believe me, my friend, I will get there. I will step foot on Scottish soil and I will ramble the mountains of the Scottish Highlands. I will, one day, go to Scotland.

Wait for me, Alba...

Friends, Crushes & Luck

        Friends. What are they for? Helping you out? Killing you? Well, whatever the purpose, they’ll always be there for you (no, duh). Yet, my friends, especially my ‘dorm buddies’ can sometimes be quite a pain in the ass. Well, not most of them, but only a certain few, of course. Sometimes, being in a dorm full of rowdy bros can really be stressful on a fella, but, hey, what can you do, right? Now, I don’t mind about the fact that they sometimes make fun of me or shit, I’m cool with that. What I am NOT cool with is when they sometimes try to ‘do a good deed’ for you, and you end up missing it. Though I can’t really blame my friends all the time. What am I talking about? Well, one of my rowdy bros actually convinced this crush of mine about me. Yeah, I know, DAMN. 

        So what’s really going on? Well, to cut a long story short, this friend of mine, *D-Man (not his real name) ‘claimed’ to have convinced this crush of mine about me. Who is this crush of mine? Well, she’s the ‘mystery girl’ I’ve blogged about before (now, I finally know her true identity), but let’s just call her *Cutie*. Anyway, D-Man, said he talked to her and told her that I have a crush on her, that I said hi, and that I wanted her number. Luckily, for D-Man, a few of my other rowdy bros and friends witnessed the situation. I, myself, at that time weren’t there because I was busy helping out one of our lecturers. Amazingly, to my belief, he said that Cutie actually agreed! I just couldn’t believe him, or even the other so-called ‘witnesses’. Common sense didn’t want me to believe it, but, strangely, my heart does. 

As I heard what D-Man told me, deep inside me, I was completely emotionally uncontrollable!

        As they kept telling me that, deep inside of me, I was so freakin’ happy. Hell, I was fucking ecstatic. But of course, I didn’t show it physically. I even studied the situation scientifically and logically (this is exactly what happens when you watch too much Mythbusters or the Discovery Science channel). There are a lot of possibilities to how and why this situation came to form. She may have just came out of a relationship (she went from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’ on Facebook), or maybe she felt sorry for dear old pathetic me for having a crush on a younger person. I’ll take the second one, because it truly is pathetic to have a crush on a student who is 3 years my junior. 

        Now, another interesting thing happened the next day. Some of my friends also claimed that Cutie came looking for me after class. I’m guessing she wanted to give me her number. Sadly, though, I was also not present, due to the fact that I was still helping our lecturer in distributing the campus’ yearly magazine. I still couldn't believe it. I actually missed out on two great opportunities! That’s a once in a lifetime chance! Fuck! No, I did not weep for this unfortunate fate of mine, instead, I went on the next few hours with a little smile on my face. It’s still amazing that she would actually be interested in a guy like me. Well, I guess I have to admit, I truly did fall in love with her. She’s not like all the other girls. She was a little more rebellious, quite tomboyish, and, as I have mentioned before in another blog, she also smokes. Damn, no wonder I fell in love with her! 

Just wish I could change my luck!

        Well, I guess sometimes, Lady Luck just refuse to go by my side, and if she does, I would seem to miss it. Until now, I still don’t have Cutie’s number, but now I have a new fear; a fear of her. As I see her coming in the distance, I would usually try to avoid her because, well, I’m just so damn scared of her now. Oh, curse my frail confidence! Sometimes, I try to brave myself up to face her, but in the end, I end up running off like a scared puppy when she comes nearby. This problem of mine have always haunted me ever since I was 13, every time I have a crush on someone. Yes, I’m still trying to change my luck but, how? Who do I turn to? What should I do? So many questions, yet so few answers. I can only hope to change in the end, and just go up to her and just talk to her. Maybe some day, that change will come, and I’ll finally get over this pathetic fear of her, and just say to her, ‘hey there, baby girl’. Til’ then, I just gotta keep on thinking positive and, who knows, maybe my luck will change in the end. Yeah, who knows. So, I would like to thank D-Man for doing me such a favor, and my other friends for being quite sporty about it. Well, I have to admit, I’ve known D-Man for years now, he’s always been a real good friend. So thanks, bro! I really appreciate the effort!

Best Movie I've Seen Yet?

     

     Movies. I like it. A lot. But you know what type of movies that always makes me feel fuzzy and warm? Animated movies. I don’t really know why, but animated movies really seem to have had quite an impact on me as a little kid back then. Even now, it still does. 

     Why am I talking about movies now? Well, just last week, I saw ‘Brave’ for the second time at the local theatre, and it was truly brilliant. The first time I saw it though was on Friday (20/07/12), and the second time on Sunday (29/07/12), right after I sent my cousin to the airport. Yes, I know it was made and produced by PIXAR and DISNEY, whom I truly despise to the complete tilt. PIXAR’s okay, I suppose, but DISNEY’s the one that I’ve always had beef with. Well, I am an anarchist after all, and the fact that Walt Disney was an ‘alleged’ anti-Semitic Nazi, and his DISNEY company is a full on capitalist force, I HAVE to completely retaliate. Then again, some of the DISNEY and PIXAR animated movies are pretty good, I guess. Some of them. 

Brilliantly done!

     Anyway, about ‘Brave’, it was truly brilliant, in story-telling as well as animation, effects and humour. The first time I saw it was out of boredom. My cousin and my brother went to watch ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ (and was strangely disappointed and ecstatic at the end of the movie), but I really had no interest in seeing Bruce Wayne-slash-Batman’s lavish, capitalistic and corporate lifestyle. So, as I was strolling through the cinema, I came upon a ‘Brave’ poster and I thought, “Well, I always wanted to watch it, so why the hell not?”. So, I bought myself the ticket and was blown away for good after watching that movie. 

     It was just perfect. The story-line was interesting, the characters were so wonderful, the landscape (the movie was set in ancient Scotland) were so beautiful and natural. Who wouldn’t have a good time, right? The main character, Merida, was someone I could truly relate to. She was beautiful and, of course, a princess, though she has quite the belly. But she was also very rebellious, and really couldn’t stand traditions. Just like me. A renegade, she was. A huge thumbs up for PIXAR for making their heroine so much different from the other DISNEY princesses. And unlike the other DISNEY princesses, Merida does not so have a single love interest through out the movie at all. Once again, very rebellious. 

Merida : Rebel with a cause?

     Throughout the whole year, I have never, ever seen a movie that has such an effect on me. Maybe that hasn’t happened to me for 2 or 3 years now, until ‘Brave’ came along. I was also surprised that important websites like Rotten Tomatoes, actually gave such a positive review about the movie. Not only Rotten Tomatoes, but plenty other of websites, magazines and critics alike, have given positive reaction towards the movie. Perfection! 

     As I have said earlier, the movie has such an effect on me that it’s like my entire life changed. After watching the movie for the first time, I started collecting a lot of Scottish and Irish Celtic music, including Celtic punk. I’ve started reading and learning more about Scotland, Celtic culture, Celtic folk music, Celtic fashion and Celtic musical instruments. It was like I’ve had Celtic fever! Until now, I still crave for the beauty of Scotland. I’ve even stopped thinking and missing about ‘a certain someone whom I love so much’. It’s like Scotland has taken her place in my heart. Oh well, she’s got a boyfriend already, so I don’t really seem to care anymore (thank god!) Yes, ‘Brave’ really did change my life for good. 

Scotland, wait for me!

     I truly wish to watch ‘Brave’ again sometime soon, of course. Hell, I could watch it every week! It’s such an enjoyable, funny, smart and quite eclectic family movie that anyone can enjoy. So, hopefully, I can watch it again and have a good time. Till then, Scotland will have to wait for me, as I will, for the first time ever, step foot on her magnificently beautiful landscape and her majestic air…

Mystery Girl...

     These past few weeks have been really tough on me, I have to admit. Tons of endless assignments, projects and all that. But I guess that's what college kids suffer through, yet I can tell you this - I HATE IT.
     Well, I guess that's not what I'm trying to mellow down here (although I really could use a little pick-me-up from all these damn assignments), but what I'm really trying to get off my chest here is a little problem. Yes, you may have guessed it : it's a girl-related kind of problem. Now, I'm not in a relationship at all (and have no plans of being in one) but I seem to be going through what I've been through when I was 13. I seem to have a crush on a girl. Again. Another crush. Another girl. God, sometimes I ask myself why I can't really get over these kind of things!
     Anyway, the girl I am referring to, also happens to be studying at the same campus I am (go figure). She's 3 years my junior, super hot and super cute. She seems to be quite a big sized girl, though I wouldn't call her fat or chubby but just nice. Kind of stocky in a way. She also has this almost tomboy-like personality, which I find strangely attractive. I first saw her a few months back, as she was hanging out with her girlfriends at me and my homies' fave hang out spot (nothing fancy though). Though, I am still curious at the fact that I've never seem to see her before last year.
     It's been months now, and I've been seeing her around almost 3 or 4 times a week. I seem to know almost everything about her now. Well, for starters, she is a constant smoker (I usually don't like girls who smoke, but she could make an exception though), she happens to have a certain fear of cats (*sigh* i love cats) and she also happens to be a fan of fun. (that indie band that I also happen to be a fan of too). I seem to know almost everything about her now. Except for 1 thing : her name. I've been seeing her around for months now and I still don't know her name! Unbelievable! I know, I could have gone up to her and ask her name or ask for her number (I rarely do that due t the fact that I'm still a pussy), but we all how much of a coward I really am with girls, especially cute girls.
     What's even more devastating, she also happens to be in a relationship (I guess) because I've seen her talking on her phone to some dude (pretty sure it's a dude) and waiting for messages as well as messaging him many times before. Well, that ain't no mystery! I guess I should have seen it coming. I mean, a really beautiful girl like her is DEFINITELY occupying a relationship (duh!). I haven't even said a word to her. Not once.
     But, I suppose that's my luck. I guess that has always been my luck, especially with girls. I just can't seem to catch a break. No matter, as long as she is happy with her man and all the cigarettes in the world, then I'm happy too.
     Like I said before, it's all about growing up and being fucking mature. We may not like what life serves us, but just accept it because life, fate and luck apparently happens to be a bunch of unfair bitches. Well, I guess it's no use complaining now, it seems pathetic and futile. I guess I'll just take it like a man, no matter how much it hurts. Hell, I've been through worst.
     For now, I guess I'll just appreciate and admire her from a afar because I truly don't deserve a beautiful girl like that. But hey, I'm strong, I'll get over it eventually, though that's what I always tell myself when faced with bullshit. But, I guess I'll just see how things go. So, until then, I'll still be admiring you from a distance, mystery girl, whoever you are and where ever you are...

Have Heart - Bostons

Songs To Scream At The Sun (2008)

Old man, I heard some things about the boy you used to be

No father, no king, just a broken old man broken by the whiskey
Too afraid to stay, too smart to not leave,
Too young to be a bird who forgot to sing
and a ground that never knew the knees
of a boy and his own tale of two cities.

Sometimes a man breaks, sometimes he can't bend
when his youth is a wound time won't mend.
(never the best of times)
sometimes a man breaks, sometimes he can't bend
at the thought of peace as something only lent.
(only the worst of mine)
sometimes a man breaks, sometimes he can't bend
when his son is another one who won't understand.

The Irish temper, it's history's chains,
and the bottle's stain that just won't wash away.
but a seed was planted in the sod of nothingness from which you came,
and flowers grew and roses bloomed
to form this garden of a life you've made.

And in this city you once knew as hell
is a garden where I enjoy myself.
And in this father I hardly know
was a son who took back what the bottle stole

So I could be the boy you couldn't be
have the father you didn't get to see
have the youth you did not get to live
or feel the love this world forgot to give

And for this gift i don't deserve to get
I'll make damn sure I earn this

O' your friends say Boston's beautiful,
but they didn't live here, they didn't die here
in the Hyde Park years
o' your friends say Boston's beautiful,
but they didn't live hard, they didn't die hard
when sons dragged out their fathers from bars
o' your friends say Boston's beautiful,
but they didn't dream here, they didn't scream here
when no one hears
o' your friends say Boston's beautiful,
but they didn't hide here, they didn't cry here
when little boys weren't allowed to shed their tears

there just aren't enough men like you

Patrick Flynn

Have Heart (2002-2009)

*Thank you Wikipedia!*

Have Heart was a straight-edge hardcore band, formed in New Bedford, Massachusetts in 2002. The band recorded a demo that was released in 2003. In 2004, they released the What Counts EP (Think Fast! Records), with their debut full-length, The Things We Carry (Bridge Nine Records) arriving in 2006. Their latest full-length, Songs To Scream At The Sun (Bridge Nine Records), has garnered much critical acclaim from hardcore critics and fans alike, winning 'album of the year' from many Hardcore-oriented websites.

Have Heart's lyrics cover a variety of subjects from the hardcore scene to a much larger scale. Many topics include self-image and its transition to popularmedia, the Straight Edge lifestyle, self-control and respect, pacifism, pressure (especially youth pressure), perseverance, self-destruction, friendship, and family. Such lyrical themes have allowed Have Heart to have a commanding force in at least the positive hardcore scene, and even the scene as a whole.

Part of the resurgent Boston hardcore scene, Have Heart formed in 2002 around the core lineup of singer Patrick Flynn, guitarist Ryan Hudon, and bassist Ryan Briggs. Hailing from the coastal town of New Bedford, the trio moved to Boston after graduating high school. Initially working with a revolving lineup of local musicians, the band played their first show in July 2003, and in November, their debut demo was released. The demo came to the attention of Think Fast! Records, who signed them for the release of the What Counts EP in 2004. The EP showcased long-time guitarist Ben Kelley and drummer Justin Paling.

In 2005, Have Heart moved to the estimable hardcore indie Bridge Nine Records and underwent a lineup change, with Kelley and Paling replaced by Kei Yasui and Shawn Costa, respectively. The following year they released The Things We Carry, their first full length. In 2007, the band toured through the U.S., Canada and Europe.

In 2008, the band released their second full-length album on Bridge Nine, Songs To Scream At The Sun, which debuted and peaked at No. 193 on the Billboard top 200 and No. 16 on the Top Heatseekers chart.

Have Heart has garnered many favorable reviews for their albums from many sites such as Sputnikmusic and Punknews. Songs To Scream At The Sun gained a 4.0 (excellent) from Sputnikmusic, and a 4/5 stars from Punknews, and later on was given the No. 11 spot as album of the year for 2008.

Patrick Flynn has cited numerous influences from their local hardcore scene. In My Eyes and Bane, as well as Chain Of Strength and Turning Point, have been known to have influence the band. TheirMyspace page also cites Deftones, Far, and Verbal Assault. 

On May 13, vocalist Patrick Flynn told the world that Have Heart was breaking up after they completed their scheduled world tour, posting a bulletin on the group's Myspace account:

"Once the Fall rolls around, we can't really do this band the way we would prefer to anymore. Knowing this deadline of ours and having a whole world tour already booked, we'd like to take advantage of the chance to say goodbye to all the people we have met around the world over the years. So, please come check us out in the remaining months on our little trip around the globe. So far Asia has been a wonderful experience and we're very happy to have had the chance to meet so many kind people and look forward to the rest of Asia. We will be playing our last show on this year's National Edge Day on October 17, 2009 with a bunch of our friends bands and a sweet guest. It will be somewhere T accessible in the Boston area. It will also be a benefit for a women's shelter in New Bedford, MA, run by my kind mother. It's been a nice 7 years and we'd like to thank all the unique hardcore kids and bands we have encountered. And in the words of DFJ, thanks to all the shit talkers for all the material to get off on. But, really....we have met so many wonderful people who we'll just never forget. It's been so great. Take care and hope to see you over the next couple months."

The bulletin received over 400 comments from fans after it was posted.

Have Heart's final tour covered every major continent (except Antarctica) with fellow band Shipwreck. However, due to a family crisis, Flynn was absent on the first week, of shows in the European tour. In this time, Sam Yarmuth from Triple B Records filled in for Flynn, and he rejoined the tour on July 3 In Wiesbaden, Germany. On May 13, Have Heart announced after finishing their world tour and doing a final show on October 17, 2009 for National Edge Day in Massachusetts, they will split. On July 25, 2009, Pat Flynn told the audience during their set on Moshvalleyfest in Belgium that they might release a last EP later that year. However, this plan was scratched.

Bridge Nine Records posthumously released a live recording of Have Heart's final show, titled 10.17.09, on November 23, 2010. The release features, in one package, the performance on both CD and DVD. Included with 10.17.09 was a pamphlet announcing We Were Supposed To Stay Young, an upcoming DVD chronicling the band's career and general scene of the time. Named after lyrics from Minor Threat's "Betray", the DVD is set to be released at some point in 2012.

Have Heart's final show was played on National Edge Day 2009 in Revere, Massachusetts, along with other straight edge bands. Many members of bands presented testimonies of how members from Have Heart had a huge influence on their lives and careers, along with presenting stories of good times shared with members of Have Heart. Have Heart's last performance consisted of songs from all three of their releases and went for roughly one hour. The crowd performed typical moshing and the archetypal hardcore dancing, and boogie boards were even used by people for stage diving. The last song they played was "Watch Me Rise" from The Things We Carry. Afterwards, Flynn laid out on the stage and a good majority of the crowd surrounded him onstage cheering and chanting, "Have Heart," along with fans shouting their personal testimonies to the significance Have Heart had on their lives. This lasted for around 20 minutes straight. Patrick Flynn estimated approximately 1500 people attended, whilst Bridge Nine estimated around 2000. The show was safe overall. With the presence of club security and police officers, moshing injuries were minimal, and no fighting broke out throughout the duration of the show.Have Heart meant a lot to me back then. They were one of the bands that inspired me to become straight edge a few years back. Even though I'm not straight edge anymore, I truly understood what they really meant. Lyrically, they were the Bad Religion of straight edge. Now, these were guys who sang a lot more than just being edge. They didn't sing about how cool it is to be edge, they didn't sing about beating the living shit out of alcoholics, they didn't sing about vegetarianism or veganism. The were singing about life, about the hardships and struggles they face every single day. And that truly meant something to me, as if Patrick Flynn was singing about how fucked up my day is. Whether they are talking about love, family or friendship, Have Heart really did know what to say right. These weren't militant straight edge assholes, these were 5 dudes telling people that 'love is the movement'. So, in a sense, I guess they truly something more than ink.

So, thank you, Patrick, for making me realize just how blessed this life can be...

R.I.P Have Heart (2002-2009)

Old Friend, Old Flame... (03.04.12)

     If you asked me about my day today, I'd probably answer it with a smile. Not probably, but definitely. Why? Simply put, I AM VERY HAPPY TODAY. That is for certain. Why am I happy? Well, that is because I met an old friend of mine earlier.
     For the past few weeks, I've been faced with so many problems, dilemmas and tons of bullshit. Yet, I managed to control and cope. Well, no most of the time though. I still can lose my temper when lines are crossed. Well, what can I say? I'm only human. Earlier in the morning, during art class, I was nearly pissed because the lecturer stated that some parts of my assignments needed some adjustment. Well, who wouldn't be pissed, when they spent hours, days and weeks breaking their fucking heads doing research and shit, so that the assignment is completed. Yet, the system still knows how to get you.
     Well, that was the bad side of my day, the best part is yet to come. The morning sessions has ended and I headed to the library to continue my assignments. I managed to catch up with some of my buddies outside of the campus. Upon returning to campus grounds, I was walking around the small park-like area of the school, there I saw some one standing near the school offices. As I took another glance, I finally realized that it was an old friend of mine! I was shocked to see her!
     She looked at me, with those eyes and that smile that I haven't seen a very long time. She called out my name (hard to believe she still remembers me), and I (trying not to be rude) went to greet her. My heart was beating like fucking crazy! She told me she was there to get a few documents. We had a nice little chat which only lasted for like a few seconds or so, before I smiled my last smile, giving my last advice (it might of sounded a little cynical yet caring), turned around and walked away. And that was pretty much it. It may not sound special, but it is very special for me.
     She was the girl that I've been in love with all these years, 6 or so years now to be exact. I was really quite shocked to see her there. Ahhh, all those memories that had happened during our school years, I'll never forget. How she looked, how she acts, just... unforgettable.
     She looked quite well too nowadays. Her skin seems fairer, yet she still has the same smile she's had ever since I first met her back in 2006. How lovely her smiles were back then, and apparently they still are! When we having our little chit chat, she still talked in a very sweet, innocent tone like she used to. Oh, how sweet! Maybe that's why I've fallen in love with her before, because of her innocence. I guess I'm a sucker for that.
     As I was talking to her, I felt so light, as if all my problems earlier had completely disappeared into thin air! It felt great! That was exactly what I needed, a little pick-me-up. She definitely lightened up my day and put a huge smile (if not a huge-ass grin) on my face!
     But alas, she already belongs to some one else, I know, and I'm okay with it. Truly, I am. Sure, she's been around with a lot of guys in the past (two of them happens to be among my closest friends, though I'm still in a deadlock conflict with one of them), but it doesn't really matter to me at all. As long as she's been a good friend to me all this time, then I'm happy. And of course, she really has been a very good friend to me throughout the years, and I'm very thankful and blessed for that. If she is happy with her new guy, then I'm happy for both of them. It's all about being fair and mature. It's all a part of growing up, and I'm definitely happy with that.
     In the end, I didn't look back at her because I know, she'll always be around, and I'll also be around too. Even though she doesn't love me, or has ever loved me, I will always love her and will be there as a true and good friend. So, thank you, old friend... Thank you for lightening up my day when I needed it the most... Thank you for still remembering me... And thank you for always being a very good friend to me, I truly appreciate it... Until then, I hope our paths cross again in the future...

Betrayal & Love

     It's been a while since I've blogged about anything. Though, now I feel like I wanna get this thing of my chest. Earlier today, about a few hours ago, I received a friend request on Facebook, from an old friend of mine (whom I will not name). He was one of my closest friends and one of my closest bros back in high school, that is of course, after he completely betrayed me. How did he do that, you may ask. Well, simply put, he was dating the same girl that I had a crush on back then, I'm pretty sure he knew that I had a crush on her.

     I, myself couldn't believe that he would even do such a thing like that, stabbing me in the back like that. It was fucking terrible for me. The end of 2008 and around the early months of 2009, I saw them both snuggling and almost hugging each other at school events. To be honest, it made me cry, it destroyed me. I was beyond repair. But that was when I was just an immature little brat. Now, looking back at it, it all seems a bit ridiculous and, strangely at the same time, heart-wrenching.

     Whatever the case was, it was a classic love triangle kinda deal, although she was never in love with me (but I'm guessing she knew that I was in love with her). After learning of their relationship, I completely ignored them both for two years (him, mostly) though I've always forgiven her, but I know I won't forgive him. The fact that he just stabbed me in the back like that is just beyond thinkable. We've been good buddies for 3 years and he completely 'killed' me just like that. It was unbearable to even think of it.

     Being betrayed and stabbed in the back is never a good feeling, believe me. I've had so many friends back then, I never even thought about betraying them, stabbing them in the back or even selling them out, because for me, my friends, whether close or not, are the people I hang on to dearly when my family fails me. Their relationship didn't last long though. They broke up about maybe 3 or 4 years ago. I don't know, all I heard was they broke up and that was it. When I first heard the news that they broke up, it didn't affect at all. No joy, no sadness. I couldn't care less because I didn't want to have anything to do with them other than just being mutual friends. When it's over, it's over. 

     Now, he seems to be in another relationship, as well as being in a higher learning institution than me, but I could care less. He's got his life, and I've my own. She on the other hand is also in another relationship and seems to be quite happy. Yet, sometimes I ask myself, 'what was their relationship like?'. Must have been quite happy, because they seem to be in love with each other. But that is all in the past. I've always tried to keep the sweet memories of those days and try to forget the bad ones, but I guess sometimes, the bad memories and ugly past can still catch up with you and haunt you today. Sometimes, I just wish I could go back in time and just forgive him, even if I didn't wanted to, but I suppose forgiving someone is always the wisest thing to do. In the past, I may have forgiven the others (due to the fact that most of them were my friends), but not him. Not ever. Now, the three of us are on our own separate paths. She seems to be happy now and I've always wished her the best. The same, though, I wouldn't say about him, but the past is the past and we are all moving forward to the future. Oh, and about his friend request, I rejected it. It's better this way.

CRASS

*Thank you, Wikipedia*

Crass are an English punk rock band that was formed in 1977,[1][2] which promoted anarchism as a political ideology, way of living, and as a resistance movement. Crass popularised the seminal anarcho-punk movement of the punk subculture, and advocated direct action, animal rights, and environmentalism. The band both utilised and advocated a DIY punk ethic approach, producing sound collages, graphics, albums, and films. Crass also criticised mainstream culture and attempted to subvert it with messages promoting feminism, anti-racism, anti-war, and anti-globalisation.

Crass practiced "direct action" by spray-painting stencilled graffiti messages around the London Underground system and on advertising billboards, coordinating squats, and organising political action. The band also expressed its ideals by dressing in black, military surplus-style clothing, and using a stage backdrop which amalgamated several "icons of authority" including theChristian Cross, the swastika, the Union Flag, and an Ouroboros.

The band were critical of punk subculture itself, as well as wider youth culture in general. Crass promoted the type of anarcho-pacifism that eventually became more common in the punk music scene (see anarcho-punk[3]). They are also considered involved with the art punk genre,[4] due to their use of tape collages, graphics, spoken word releases, poetry and improvisation.

The band was based around Dial House, an open house community near Epping, Essex, forming when Dial House founder and former member ofavant-garde performance art groups EXIT and Ceres Confusion Penny Rimbaud (real name Jeremy Ratter) began jamming with Clash fan Steve Ignorant (real name Steve Williams), who was residing in the house at the time. Ignorant had been inspired to form a band after attending a performance by The Clash at the Colston Hall in Bristol [5] whilst Rimbaud had been working on his prose composition 'Reality Asylum'. Between them, they produced the songs "So What?" and "Do They Owe Us A Living?" as a drums and vocals duo. For a short period of time, they called themselves Stormtrooper, before choosing the name Crass, a reference to the David Bowie song "Ziggy Stardust," specifically the line "The kids was just crass."[6]

Other friends and members of the household joined, including Joy De Vivre, Pete Wright, N. A. Palmer (real name Andy Palmer), Steve Herman and Eve Libertine (real name Bronwyn Lloyd Jones), who was considered "the band's first fan,"[7] and it was not long before Crass performed their first live gig at a squatted street festival at Huntley Street, North London. Here they had intended to play a set of five songs; however, the "plug was pulled" on them by a neighbour after three songs.[8] Guitarist Steve Herman soon afterwards left the band to be replaced by Phil Free(real name Phil Clancey).[9] Other early Crass gigs included a four date tour of New York City,[10] a gig at a festival in Covent Garden at which Charles Hayward of This Heat stood in for Rimbaud on drums,[11] as well as playing alongside the UK Subs at the White Lion pub in Putney. These latter performances were often not well-attended; "The audience consisted mostly of us when the Subs played and the Subs when we played."[12]

Crass also played two gigs at the Roxy Club in Covent Garden, London.[11] According to Rimbaud, all the band members arrived drunk at the second gig, and were ejected from the stage. This event was immortalised by their song "Banned from the Roxy"[13] and the essay Crass at the Roxy by Penny Rimbaud.[14]

Following this incident, the band decided to take themselves more seriously, particularly paying more attention to their presentation. As well as avoidingalcohol or cannabis before gigs, they also adopted a policy of wearing black, military surplus-style clothing at all times, whether on or off stage. They introduced their distinctive stage backdrop, a logo designed by Rimbaud's friend Dave King of Sleeping Dogs Lie. This gave the band a militaristic image, which led some to accuse them of fascism. Crass countered that their uniform appearance was intended to be a statement against the "cult of personality", so that, in contrast to the norm for many rock bands, no member would be identified as the 'leader'.[15]

Originally conceived and intended as the cover artwork for a self-published pamphlet version of Christ's Reality Asylum by Penny Rimbaud, the Crass logo represented an amalgamation of several "icons of authority," including the Christian Cross, the swastika, and the Union Flag, combined with a two-headedOuroboros to symbolise the idea that power will eventually destroy itself.[16][17] Using such deliberately mixed messages was part of Crass' strategy of presenting themselves as a "barrage of contradictions", which also included using loud, aggressive music to promote a pacifist message, and was in part a reference to their own Dadaist and performance art backgrounds.

The band eschewed any elaborate stage lighting during live sets, instead preferring to be illuminated by simple 40 watt household light bulbs (the technical difficulties of filming under such lighting conditions in part explains why there is so little live footage of Crass in existence[18]). The band pioneeredmultimedia presentation techniques, fully utilising video technology and using back-projected films and video collages made by Mick Duffield and Gee Vaucher to enhance their performances.

Crass' first release was The Feeding Of The 5000, an 18 track 12" 45 rpm EP on the Small Wonder label in 1978. Workers at the pressing plant initially refused to handle it due to the allegedly blasphemous content of the song "Asylum". The record was eventually released with this track removed and replaced by two minutes of silence, ironically titled "The Sound Of Free Speech". This incident prompted Crass to set up their ownindependent record label, Crass Records, in order to prevent Small Wonder from being placed in a compromising position in the future [19] as well as retain full editorial control over their material. "Asylum", now renamed "Reality Asylum", was shortly afterwards released on Crass Records in a re-recorded and extended form as a 7" single. Later pressings of the album (also on Crass Records) restored the original version of the missing track.

As well as their own material, Crass Records released recordings by other performers, the first of which was the 1980 single "You Can Be You" byHoney Bane, a teenage girl who was staying at Dial House whilst on the run from a children's home. Other artists included Zounds, Flux Of Pink Indians, Omega Tribe, Rudimentary Peni, Conflict, Icelandic band KUKL (who included singer Björk), classical singer Jane Gregory, Anthrax,Captain Sensible, Lack of Knowledge and the Poison Girls, a like-minded band who worked closely with Crass for several years.

Crass Records also put out three editions of Bullshit Detector, compilations of demos and rough recordings which had been sent to the band, and which they felt represented the DIY punk ethic. The catalogue numbers of Crass Records releases were intended to represent a countdown to the year 1984 (eg, 521984 meaning "five years until 1984"), both the year that Crass stated that they would split up, and a date charged with significance in the anti-authoritarian calendar due to George Orwell's novel of the same name.

Crass released their third album Penis Envy in 1981. This marked a departure from the 'hardcore punk' image that The Feeding of the 5000 and its follow up Stations of the Crass had to some extent given the group. It featured more complex musical arrangements and exclusively female vocals provided byEve Libertine and Joy De Vivre (although Steve Ignorant remained a group member and is credited on the record sleeve as "not on this recording").

The album addressed feminist issues and once again attacked the institutions of 'the system' such as marriage and sexual repression. The last track on Penis Envy, a deliberately saccharine parody of a 'MOR' love song entitled "Our Wedding", was also made available as a white flexi disc to the readers of 'Loving', a teenage girl's romance magazine. The free flexi offer had been suggested to Loving by an organisation calling itself "Creative Recording And Sound Services" (note the initials). A minor tabloid controversy resulted once the hoax was revealed, with the News of the World going so far as to state that the title of the flexi's originating album was "too obscene to print".[20] The album was banned by retailers HMV. During the mid 1980s, under the direction of James Anderton copies were seized, along with other records by Crass and The Dead Kennedys, by Greater Manchester Police from Eastern Bloc record shop. Frank Schofield was charged with displaying "Obscene Articles For Publication For Gain". The band, Flux of Pink Indians its two record labels and its publishing company were also charged under the Obscene Publications Act, but all charges were dropped by Greater Manchester Police.[21]

The band's fourth LP, 1982's double set Christ - The Album, took over a year to record, produce and mix, during which time the Falklands War had broken out and ended. This caused Crass to fundamentally question their approach to making records. As a group whose primary purpose was political commentary, they felt they had been overtaken and made to appear redundant by real world events. Subsequent releases, including the singles "How Does It Feel to Be the Mother of a Thousand Dead" and "Sheep Farming in the Falklands", and the album Yes Sir, I Will, saw the band strip their sound back to basics and were issued as "tactical responses" to political situations.[22] They also anonymously produced 20,000 copies of a flexi-disc featuring a live recording of "Sheep Farming...", copies of which were randomly inserted into the sleeves of other records by sympathetic workers at the Rough Trade recordsdistribution warehouse as a means of spreading their views to those who might not normally hear them.[23]

From their earliest days of spraying stencilled anti-war, anarchist, feminist and anti-consumerist graffiti messages around the London Undergroundsystem and on advertising billboards,[24][25] the band had always been involved in political as well as musical activities. On December 18, 1982, Crass co-ordinated a 24 hour squat of the empty Zig Zag club in West London primarily for an all day event attended by approximately 500 people to prove "that the underground punk scene could handle itself responsibly when it had to and that music really could be enjoyed free of the restraints imposed upon it by corporate industry".[26]

Bands playing at the Zig Zag (in running order) were Faction, D and V, Omega Tribe, Lack of Knowledge, Sleeping Dogs, The Apostles, Amebix,Null & Void, Soldiers of Fortune, The Mob, Polemic Attack, Poison Girls, Conflict, Flux of Pink Indians, Crass and DIRT.[27]

In 1983 and 1984 they were part of the Stop the City actions instigated by London Greenpeace[28] that were arguably fore-runners of the anti-globalisation actions of the early 21st century.[29] Explicit support for such activities was given in the lyrics of the band's final single release "You're Already Dead", which also saw Crass publicly express growing doubts regarding their longtime commitment to pacifism. This led to further introspection within the band, with some members feeling that they were beginning to become embittered as well as losing sight of their essentially positive stance.[30] As a reflection of this debate, the next release using the Crass name was Acts of Love, classical music settings of 50 poems by Penny Rimbaud described as "songs to my other self" and intended to celebrate "'the profound sense of unity, peace and love that exists within that other self."[31]

A further post-Falklands war hoax that originated from members of Crass became known as 'the Thatchergate tapes'.

This was a cassette featuring what appeared to be an accidentally overheard telephone conversation, due to crossed lines. In reality the tape had been constructed by Crass, using edited recordings of Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagans' voices. On the Thatchergate tape they discuss the sinking of the HMS Sheffield during the Falklands War, and appeared to allege that Europe would be used as a target for nuclear weapons in any conflict between the United States and the Soviet Union.

Copies were leaked to the press, and the US State Department believed the tape to be propaganda produced by the Soviet KGB, a story reported by both the San Francisco Chronicle[32] and The Sunday Times.[33] Although put together totally anonymously, the British Observer newspaper was somehow able to link the tape with the band.[34]

A further post-Falklands war hoax that originated from members of Crass became known as 'the Thatchergate tapes'.

This was a cassette featuring what appeared to be an accidentally overheard telephone conversation, due to crossed lines. In reality the tape had been constructed by Crass, using edited recordings of Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagans' voices. On the Thatchergate tape they discuss the sinking of the HMS Sheffield during the Falklands War, and appeared to allege that Europe would be used as a target for nuclear weapons in any conflict between the United States and the Soviet Union.

Copies were leaked to the press, and the US State Department believed the tape to be propaganda produced by the Soviet KGB, a story reported by both the San Francisco Chronicle[32] and The Sunday Times.[33] Although put together totally anonymously, the British Observer newspaper was somehow able to link the tape with the band.[34]

Crass all but retired from the public eye after becoming a small thorn in the side of Margaret Thatcher's government following the Falklands War. Questions in Parliament and an attempted prosecution under the UK's Obscene Publications Act for their single "How Does It Feel..."[35] led to a round of court battles and what the band describes as harassment that finally took its toll. On July 7, 1984 the band played their final gig at Aberdare in Wales, a benefit for striking miners, before retreating to Dial House to concentrate their energies elsewhere.

Guitarist N. A. Palmer had announced that he intended to leave the band in order to further his art college studies, and the reported group consensus was that replacing him would be "like having a corpse in the band".[citation needed] This catalysed the affirmation of Crass' consistently stated intention to split up in 1984. Steve Ignorant went on to join the band Conflict, with whom he had already worked on an ad hoc basis, and in 1992 formed Schwartzeneggar (sic). From 1997-2000, he was a member of the group Stratford Mercenaries. He has also worked as a Punch and Judy professor and as a solo performer. Eve Libertine continued to record with her son Nemo Jones as well as performance artist A-Soma. Pete Wright concentrated on building himself a houseboat and formed the performance art group Judas 2, whilst Rimbaud continued to write and perform both solo and with other artists.

In November 2002 several former members of Crass collaborated under the name The Crass Collective to arrange Your Country Needs You, a concert of "voices in opposition to war" held at the Queen Elizabeth Hall on London's South Bank that included a performance of Britten's War Requiem as well as performers such as Goldblade, Fun-Da-Mental, Ian MacKaye and Pete Wright's post-Crass project Judas 2. In October 2003, the Crass Collective changed their working title to Crass Agenda. During 2004 Crass Agenda were at the forefront of the campaign to save the Vortex Jazz Club in Stoke Newington, North London, which has now relocated to Dalston. In June 2005 Crass Agenda was declared to be 'no more', subsequently changing the name of the project to the 'more appropriate' Last Amendment. A "new" Crass track (actually a remix of 1982's "Major General Despair", with new lyrics), "The Unelected President", is also available.[36]

On 24 and 25 November 2007 Steve Ignorant performed Crass' entire Feeding of the 5000 album live at the Shepherds Bush Empire, United Kingdom, backed by a band of "selected guests".[37][38] Other members of Crass were not involved in these concerts. Rimbaud initially refused Ignorant the right to perform Crass songs Rimbaud had written, but later changed his mind. "I acknowledge and respect Steve's right to do this", he said, "but I do regard it as a betrayal of the Crass ethos"[39] Ignorant had a different view: "I don't have to justify what I do. (...) Plus, most of the lyrics are still relevant today. And remember that three-letter word, 'fun'?"[39]

In August 2010, it was announced that Crass were going to release The Crassical Collection, consisting of remastered reissues of their back catalogue. The first in this series is a newly remastered edition of The Feeding of the 5000, restored from the original analogue studio tapes, repackaged and bolstered by rare and unreleased tracks and new artwork from Gee Vaucher. Stations of the Crass was released in October 2010, with new editions ofPenis Envy, Christ – The Album, Yes Sir, I Will and Ten Notes on a Summer's Day being issued during 2011.[40]

In 2011 Steve Ignorant embarked on an extensive international tour performing Crass material, culminating with a final gig once again at the Shepherds Bush Empire on November 19th entitled 'The Last Supper'. He has stated that this will be the last time he will be singing the songs of Crass, and on this occasion had the blessing and support of Rimbaud. Indeed Rimbaud joined him on stage to perform a drums and vocals rendition of 'Do They Owe Us A Living', bringing the career of the band full circle after 34 years; "And then Penny came on and you gave him such a greeting, that got my bottom lip going and then the bugger comes and hugs me before we start. I held him so tight and he smelled of Dial House, Petulie (sic) and herbs and the memories flooded in and we did it, Do they owe us a living as we'd first done it all those years ago. As it started, so it finished"[41]. Steve's band line up for this tour consisted of Gizz Butt, Carol Hodge, Pete Wilson and Spike T. Smith. He was also joined by original Crass vocalist Eve Libertine for a number of songs.

The setlist also included a cover of West One (Shine On Me) by the Ruts and a version of "Shaved Women" where Carol Hodge was joined by Eve Libertine on vocals. The set ended with an emotionally-charged version of Bloody Revolutions during which Ignorant was joined on stage by the Norfolk based lifeboat crew with whom he now volunteers.

Crass influenced the anarchist movement in the UK, US, and around the world. With the growth of anarcho-punk came new generations of people who became interested in anarchist ideas.

The philosophical and aesthetic influence of Crass on numerous punk bands from the 1980s were far reaching, even if few bands mimicked their later more free-form musical style (as onYes Sir, I Will and their final recording, 10 Notes on a Summer's Day).

The band has stated that their musical antecedents and influences were seldom drawn from the rock music tradition, but rather from classical music (particularly Benjamin Britten, on whose work, Rimbaud states, some of Crass' riffs are directly based[42]), Dada and the avant-garde such as John Cage [43] as well as performance art traditions.

Their painted and collage-art black-and-white record sleeves produced by Gee Vaucher themselves became a signature aesthetic model, and can be seen as an influence on later artists such as Banksy (Banksy and Vaucher have latterly collaborated[44]) and the subvertising movement.

Anti-folk artist Jeffrey Lewis's 2007 album 12 Crass Songs features acoustic covers of material originally written by Crass.

In February 2011, the artist Toby Mott showed a small part of his personal collection of Crass ephemera at the Roth gallery, New York.[45][46] The exhibition featured artwork, albums, including original 12” LPs and EPs, 7” singles from Crass Records, and a complete set of Crass’ iconic house zine, Inter-National Anthem. The material featured in the exhibition spans the high period of Crass’ endeavours, from 1978 to 1984, and constitutes a special segment of The Mott Collection.

Personally for me, Crass was the exact epitome of punk, and as an anarcho-pacifist, they truly inspired to think by myself and do things by myself. Though I've been somewhat an anarchist for a few years now, I still look up to them, not only musically but more in a broad sense. They were, and still, a RESISTANCE MOVEMENT TO BE RECKONED WITH.